THANK YOU GEORGE

FOR EIGHT FABULOUS YEARS
I know – only 7 and a half, but we trust you


Mr. President I know you agree that when we’re 7 years old, and our teacher shows us a video of some solemn occasion taking place in Washington, the President is always larger than life. At that impressionable age, we’re led to believe he (you) can walk on water, settle all of life’s problems, and particularly in America because we do it so much; “…defeat the enemy on the battlefield.” (Note, at 7 we never wonder why we have so many “enemies” to defeat, but I realize you never had time to tell us. All you said was “…they hate us because we’re free,” but a severely retarded friend of mine asked me “Who is he trying to kid?” I defended you on that one.)

The fact is, we all remain awed by your intellect, leadership, personal courage in combat under fire, and unwavering devotion to the country. So with that beginning, herein a sort of conversational history of your term in office, or a sort of score card on your extensive vision and wisdom, in your own words, for you to savor as you leave office.

Here are some of your predecessor’s offerings, to assure the nation. I know they will seem puerile to you, but they are all samples of Presidential utterings before you rode in from Texas to unite the country.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself”
“Ask not what your country can do for you …”
“Give me liberty or give me death”
“A nation cannot exist half slave and half free”
“I regret I have but one life to give for my country”

Then moving on in history a bit, we remember:
“It’s not illegal when the President does it”
“I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow.”

SO – with those memorable statements by some of America’s past leaders as a guide for you as you leave office next January Mr. President, we humbly offer this tribute to your tenure as Commander-in-Thief.

Let’s start with your term as Governor. We remember you ran on a promise to clean up the air pollution in Texas. You passed a Clean Air bill once you were in office, and some say it wasn’t very strict.

“Oh yes, it was. Very strict. It required the cump-nees to mon-or their discharge of pollutation, even if they had to mon-or it on the weekend. That’s hard.”

Well, some of the companies just simply proceeded as they had always done, and the air pollution in Texas increased!

“Heh-heh-heh. See? Increase! Heh-heh-heh. Positive for Tex-iss.”

Coincidentally, about that time the owners of the Texas Baseball Club wanted to force the citizens of Arlington to pass an increase in the sales tax in order to build them a new stadium. They’d get rich with a new stadium, paid for by others.

“Yeah. Heh-heh.”

Well, they put you in as a partner, cost you nothing, and with your name on their Board, the sales tax initiative passed. You waited a reasonable few months, and then sold your “share” of the Ball Club and the stadium for several – what? – 5 million? Six? Is that right?

“Yeah. Heh-heh.”

Okay. I guess that’s what passes for business practice, huh?

“Yeah. Heh-heh-heh. If you know bid-ness.”

Then when you made it known you were going to run for President, a series of stories came out about your Air Force service. Your performance was rated as poor, and before you were released, you simply left your base and went over to Alabama or somewhere. How did that work? Can members of the service just simply leave when they want to?

“Yeah. Well, my expertise was needed in a p’litickal campaign over there – the guy who was running needed my hep. The Air Force had a lot of other pilots, so I didn’t ness-airily have to stay, fortch-unly.”Heh-heh.”

So what did you do in the campaign?

“I taught the guy some things, you know, how to cam- pain, so as to really promote his cann-acy.””

Did he win?

“No, unfortch-unly his opponent cam-pained every single day, I mean con-stully!! We couldn’t be expected to do that! I guess he wasn’t ade-qua-lly prepared for the tough decision making. Not like me – I’m the de-cider.” But we deaf-ly ran a great cam-pain for him.”

Deaf-ly? You mean you were loud?

“No. We bas-ally campain-ed very well, covered all the bases, so as not to be accused of doing any cam-pain irreg-ularies. Heh-heh-heh. – if you know what I mean.”

But your only experience was with a losing campaign, for Congress. Why did he want your advice and your name on his campaign?

“Heh-heh-heh. If you have to ask, you don’t know bid-ness OR politicks. Heh-heh.”

Well, when you finally got into the White House, your first year was a total waste of time, until September and the WTC catastrophe, right?

“Yeah. Heh-heh.”

Then 2002 was all devoted to convincing the country to go to war with Iraq. Right?

“Yeah. Sure was. WMD, Sodd-am – WMD. Mushroom Cloud. Terra. Heh-Heh-heh. Mobile Germ Warfare labs. Scuds. Fight ‘em over there so we don’t have to fight ‘em over here. Heh-heh-heh- know what I mean?”

Why were you so hell-bent on taking the country to war?

“Well, un-fortch-unly, it was now ab’sly certain that SODD-am had stockpiles of nuc-ular weapons, so we bas-ally had no choice but to mon-or his nu-cular activities very closely. In fact, we mon-ored him con-stally as it turned out, because without close mon-oring, he could deliver a nucu-lar missile toward Israel at any time, which would deaf-ly become a distraction from the Poll results. I wasn’t about to let this neg-ive-ly affect my Poll results at the time. I mean, after the bullhorn, you know, standing on the rubble. A proud moment in American history: the Commander-in-thief Chief rallying the whole nation !!! No American President had EVER done that before. He could also send us one under a mushroom cloud, so we had to act.”

Well – but he didn’t have the delivery capabilities to do that, did he?

“I don’t care about deliveries right now. Don’t change the subject. I’m talking about nucular bombs. Mushroom clouds! A terra strike on us. Stay the course. Terra-ism. It’s my job to proteck the American people, and I’m deaf-enly gonna do my job, do NOT mis-underestimate that. That’s a promise, and you can take that to the Dock.”

You mean to the Bank?

“What?”

Never mind. I understand your resolve, sir, but the facts don’t seem to fit the realities at the time.

“Please – don’t change the subject. I’m talking about the potential for terra here! I’m not gonna let the terra-RISTS strike America.”

I appreciate that. OK – so you rallied the Congress to give you the power to go after the terrorists, and they gave you millions of dollars and weapons and troops to use in Afghanistan, where the perpetrators were holed up. But very quickly, without any consent from Congress, or even advising Congress, you transferred that money to Iraq. It occurs to me that’s illegal, or at the very least, suspect.

“No, when the President does it, that means it’s not illegal, didn’t you know that? And - par-tick-yurly in Wartime.”

But why Iraq? Osama bin Laden was originally from Saudi Arabia and was reported to be in Afghanistan, along with his entire machinery for war. Why Iraq?

“We didn’t need his machinery, we had our own. Hum-vees, really big tanks. Airplanes, National Guard Troops, The Green Zone, trucks, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, we had everything. It was a noble cause. Afghanistan only has Opium, Iraq has oil. But you can get high on either one – heh-heh-heh” little wartime joke. Heh-heh-heh.”

Invading Iraq was a noble cause?

“Of course. Heh-heh-heh. It was a 4-gone conclusion.”

A what?

“You know – a 4-gone conclusion. There were five countries over there to invade and have a war with. Saudi Arabia and Jordan and Syria and Egypt weren’t involved – that’s 4 of them gone, so we hit Sodd-am in Iraq.”

Okay. But when your troops searched, they never found the WMDs What about that???

“Well, you still don’t get it, do you? We didn’t ness-air-ly HAVE TO FIND WMDs – he’s got ‘em.”

But if you never found any … ?

(Interrupting) No, no, no, don’t worry about FINDING, let’s talk about WMDs, Weapons of Mass Destruction, mushroom clouds, nu-cu-lar bombs. He had ‘em – Dick Cheney said that, a number of times.”

Well, you haven’t found any ….

“Not yet. Heh-heh-heh. But I’m gonna stay the course.”

It looks like it. Well, let’s talk about the war. How would you say it’s going?

“Well, things are really improving since the surge. It’s really a hard job, being a wartime Prez-det of the You-Nigh-Stay, because someone is always asking a question about the war. They don’t realize how hard it is. They’re especially bad at sta-stis-stics – when we say the war is 39% better than last month, they just don’t understand.”

Actually, I don’t either.

“That’s why I’m the Prez-det and you’re not. I know what 39% looks like. That’s the percentage of Americans who vote for Prez-det. That favors us – heh-heh-heh. Little political joke – heh-heh. You just aren’t ade-qually prepared for a job this big, and this important, and with the polling activity so phenom-ally high, I have to be on my toes at all times.”

Are you saying your main concern is your rating as President, and not the potential for death and destruction in Iraq? The immeasurable agony and heartache of war places second to your ratings?

“Of course. You really don’t understand, do you? The Prez-det has to be on top of all things, in wartime. I’m a wartime prez-det. The people have to really like me, for the war to go ahead really good, you know, with a lot of guns firing, and cannons, and stealth airplanes dropping bombs, and only a few troops instead of a lot, and a new General to blame when the war goes bad, and asking Congress for 190 billion more in a new supplemental, and if they hesitate, they're not patriotic, they don't SUPPORT THE TROOPS - that's a magic phrase - heh-heh-heh, you know, high-class stuff like that. I mean, with all the addish-ul requirements I have to stay on top of, with all the sta-stis-sticks involved, being a wartime Prez-det is hard !! I mean, I can say cat-e-gor-ally this is the hardest job I’ve ever had.”

Well, what other job have you had?

“See? Gosh I’d hate to be you, and not see the big picture.”

Moving on, how do you think you’ll be viewed by history?

“That’s easy. I will ul-ti-my be remembered as a Prez-det who brought the people of the You-Nigh-Stay together. A compassionate Conservative, a brave Patriot in the Vietnam war, a real churchgoer, a brave Wartime Commander-in-thief Chief, an eloquent speaker, one who ---“

(Interrupting)

Excuse me, an eloquent speaker?

“Of course. Heh-heh. Don’t you remember the bullhorn? People all over the world remember that, they remember even in a stupid place like France. No more French Fries – it’s Freedom Fries. Or even in the Medi-ranian. I call it the MED – heh-heh. Those people remember the Bullhorn. Heh-heh – (then pantomiming his bullhorn speech) ‘AND THE PEOPLE WHO KNOCKED THESE BUILDINGS DOWN WILL HEAR FROM ALL OF US SOON.’ Heh-heh-heh” (Then Pantomiming the huge applause he got after this speech.)

“Then, after my speeches, I will be remembered for my bid-ness savvy – I’m an MBA, heh-heh-heh. Harvard Bid-ness School. In a select group, with an MBA from Harvard. They will remember my tax cuts to the rich – pretty savvy moves those were – I got millions back for – are you ready- CAMPAIGN FINANCE !! Heh-heh-heh. They will remember how I agg-ress-ally went after bin Laden and –

(interrupting)

But he escaped to Afghanistan and then Pakistan, and …

“There you go again – don’t you realize those countries don’t have any OIL ???
God! A number of Sen-ters backed my resolve to forget him and concentrate on Iraq. I don’t even think about him anymore – he’s not even mar-gally important now. Some left-winger ha-bitch-ully brings up his name at Press Conferences, and …..”

How do you answer that?

“Easy, if you know stategery. I just don’t schedule Press Conferences.” Heh-heh-heh.
I always AIR on the side of caution.”

You always what ???

“Air on the side of caution.”

Does that mean you breathe cautiously?

“God, who is sending me people like this? No, I said I always HEIR on the side of caution.”

Does that mean you always have a child carefully?

“Yeah, I think we did that, a couple of times. But you changed the subject first to breathing, then to having children. I per’s-ally need to give you some interviewing tips, and some exercises in the English language.”

BUT - THE VERB ERR RHYMES WITH HER.

“Okay, now you’re into poetry. Whatever. But I AM going to stay the course, and I will ul–ti-my be regarded as one of the best Prez-dets of the You-Nigh-Stay, you’ll see. There will be an as-ter-ik by my name, that defines me as: A Compassionate Conservative who proved he was a Uniter, and who Stayed The Course. It doesn’t get any better than that! Heh-heh-heh.” My programs in-cent bid-nesses to invest.”

Your programs do what?

“Give bid-nesses the incentive to invest in America. The Will to Win. The 11th hour. Grace under Pressure. Come from Behind. The two-minute protocol. Joe Montana. You know, a winning single in the 11th inning. Up San Juan Hill. The flag on Iwo Jima. Pearl Harbor. Bush leadership. World Trade Centers. Conquering Small Pox and Polio. The BullHorn. Little League. Fred Astaire and Ginger. YMOC, Clar-dank, The Prez-da-cy. Sin-der-ella . sikk-ich-uly

I was somewhat shocked to see this continuing, long after I thought he would have stopped it. His eyes had no life in them. The only thing that still resembled him was a smirk, and an occasional chuckle.

I tried to get a word in edgewise while this continued, so we could continue and wind this thing up. But I was never able to do it. It continued well beyond what any of us realized a person could sustain, and his volume dropped markedly as we were leaving. I studied his face carefully, and could see no recognition in his eyes whatever, and there was that ever-present wink with a smile - the wink that is always meaningless. My producers and staff finally all just agreed we had to pack up and get back to the office. The last things we heard, although in a hoarse voice, were

“Star Spangled Banner. Hand over the heart. Pledge of Allegiance, General Petraeus, Medal of Honor, Don Rumsfeld, Breaking the Sound barrier. America on the Moon. Stay the Course. WMD. Terra

In closing, I have to say this was the weirdest interview I’ve ever done. All I can say is, Mr. President, wherever you are, I wish you – on second thought, maybe not. You have a lot to answer for.

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