FINALLY – IT’S ALL OUT IN THE OPEN !!!

We can all relax – the pressure’s finally off !! Thank God.

JUST THIS LAST WEEK, all those fears that Americans have been burdened with have been calmed, with the solutions provided. What a relief! I for one am totally relieved, and thankful that the government spokesmen have laid it all out. God, what took them so long ?

All the solutions to our worries were given to us by the powers-on-high. They happened in disparate locations, but they were all provided to us during the last week. You may have seen them, but in case you didn’t, here was our great savior talking:

FIRST, Torture.

Senator Lynsey Graham explained this subject so perfectly, that we can all stop worrying about whether it’s OK to torture prisoners that we’ve collected. When questioning an interviewee in the Senate Armed Services committee last week, Senator Graham pointed out that President Bill Clinton had made torturing LEGAL, thus the guards at Guantanomo have nothing to worry about. THANK GOD ! Isn’t that a relief?

I was beginning to think America was about to get a bad reputation, by torturing prisoners, but when Graham straightened everything out, we all felt OK about torture. Graham – thinking on a higher level, obviously - simply pointed out that after the ‘93 WTC bombing, President Clinton had made the statement that “…Osama bin Laden won’t get away with this. He will have a price on his head, and we will ultimately capture or kill him.”

THEREFORE, Graham said to the interviewee, “…You see? You have nothing to worry about. DEATH IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF TORTURE, and it was officially OK’d in 1993 by a Democratic President of the United States.” Graham continued to push the interviewee, saying , “ … Well, isn’t that true? Isn’t death the ultimate form of torture? Thus, if institutional death is OK, so is torture. Right?”

The interviewee didn’t answer, but I sure felt better.

High Cost of Gasoline

The next day was really a good day. We all started relaxing about the high cost of gasoline, as it approached 4.50 a gallon. Senator McCain pointed out in an ad that, since Obama had voted against drilling in Anwar and offshore, that he (Obama) had defeated the measure to bring down gasoline prices – it being accepted by this time that drilling for oil would instantly lower the cost of gasoline. Right? Ask anyone you know in America that question. Something like 74% of Americans will say YES – new drilling will instantly lower gasoline prices. Keith Olbermann pointed out that 100% of knowledgeable oilmen agree that any impact on pump prices would take approximately 22 years to show up. But, ignoring that sour grapes talk, I am personally relieved and surprised. I didn’t know that Obama is the reason for high gasoline prices, so it’s better to find it out now.

Cost of Oil

The next day, about Wednesday evening, was when we learned that Congressman Dennis Kucinich is single-handedly responsible for the high cost of oil. Oil has spiked to $144.00 a barrel, and still rising, and now we see that it is a direct result of the Congressman’s Articles of Impeachment of bush. The explanation was that filing Articles of Impeachment shows that a large number of Americans want to get rid of this president, for crimes of all kinds. (Including the pre-meditated murder of the English language.) We learned that this message says to the Iranians, “Uh-oh, look out. The president will retaliate by bombing us, to take the focus off of his failures and lies and impeachment. Our best bet is to thwart that by raising the cost of oil.” Which they did. Ergo, Kucinich is the Democratic son-of-a-bitch who is responsible for oil at $144.00 a barrel.

Then on Wednesday, John McCain assured us that the price of oil had apparently peaked and receded. In a speech to about 15 people, McCain said “…So my friends, if we just begin drilling offshore, we can overcome the cost of $4 for a gallon of oil.” You can imagine how much that relieved me! (I didn’t know we bought oil in gallons, but since a high official said so, naturally I accept it.) Wow what a week !

Recession + inflation

Then about Friday, another huge pain was lifted off of us. You know, you have to admit, whenever you realize you can’t afford your normal monthly expenses; the cost of transportation; your mortgage payments etc; when food costs actually double right before your eyes, utilities more than double etc. etc. you have to admit those facts are scary as hell. Well, that’s why on Friday I had my best day in months. The McCain campaign spokesman, who is said to be some sort of genius at finances and/or economics, told us there is no recession, thus no slowdown, no financial bubble about to burst. He really took the pressure off of us when he said, in his official capacity, that fear of recession was all a dream – a mental aberration, and that we shouldn’t complain about it. (His words were some form of “…Shut the hell up about it.”) He added that there have never been more opportunities for Americans than there are now. God, was I relieved !!! It was explained that average people couldn’t possibly be smart enough to know that what people were calling ‘recession’ or inflation’ is actually just our imagination. All mental, he told us. It was a virtual recession, I think his words were, something like that. Wasn’t that great news?

When I told my son Eric that, he said “... Leveraging Money Always Overcomes” –at least I think he meant that, he said it in initials: LMAO.

But back to economics. There we were, a lot of us not being able to afford bread, and McCain’s gift to us, this graduate of the Marie Antoinette school of Economics, calmed all our worries! Just great!

In fact, I was more than relieved when Philip The Great added that we should realize that starvation is a form of evolution, and we should just shut up.

So there we were at weekend. It was a great week. Now 300 million of us can get in the car and go wherever, even if we don’t have to go. No more nervous feelings about the electricity bill, or food costs, or the cost of a gallon of oil.

Then McCain actually included some hope for the home front, when he departed momentarily from his constant drumbeat on the subject of War. He said he was equally committed to making great improvements in American infrastructure, for one thing. He started by saying it was time to tackle the obvious problems, and that the people needed to get back to work and stop whining. He finished by saying that he was a little put out by the people of Niagara, when he chided them with “…Why don’t the people of Niagara do something about it? Why does it keep happening?”

But wouldn’t you know it, at the end of this great wave of relief that had just swept over us, came a new fear. I guess we should know, life is always going to be about problems. This one surprised a lot of us, but now I know it’s real, and a big worry for us. (I thought to myself how thankful I am for my government keeping me in touch with all the worries I’m too isolated to know about !)

A hand-picked spokesman for our president, and by extension, for John McCain, warned us about Barack Obama’s trip to Europe and the fact that the Europeans really love and respect him. William Galston, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution – which I guess is a prestigious place where very intelligent people do our thinking for us – sounded a warning to America when he reported: “…

'There's such a thing as being too popular overseas, and that may create some misgivings here at home.”

I admit I’m just a normal person, so I couldn’t possibly think on that high a level. After all, this fellow is a senior, so he has years of experience in these matters. I have a neighbor who is a psychologist, but he wasn’t available to translate it for me. To show my ignorance – I didn’t go to a British University – I was struggling with what, exactly, is the danger to America if our closest allies actually, you know, don't hate us ??? but I don’t argue with those in the highest places. And I was right not to struggle too much with this subject, because on every news show for the next three days, all those newspeople who gather around in a group and explain what everything means, all talked at length on this subject. So I hope to God Senator Obama doesn’t get too popular over there. Heaven forbid if the people like him too much. I remember that guy’s words: 'There's such a thing as being too popular overseas, and that may create some misgivings here at home” so I will abide by them.

I do hope, though, even if he does get too popular, that Senator Obama doesn’t get caught in that rough military area on the border between Iraq and Pakistan, since McCain had warned us about it. I wasn’t sure about where that could be, cause I’m not good at Geography, but I know John McCain is right, cause he served in the Navy, therefore is an expert on foreign locations, even if his foreign relations suffer a bit, enough to get tossed in jail.

But my son Eric helped me out again. When I asked him about the dangerous military concentration of forces on the Iraq-Pakistan border, he just smiled and wrote down for me: “…Obvious Military Garrisons Require Our Forbearance.” I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant, cause he wrote “OMG – ROF.”

Faithfully, in the interest of the American people
See also swungnotes at DailyKos.